... I suck so bad at these, don't I?
Yes I do!
... Where to start.
Most important thing. I decided I am going to get a sex change. I mean, I'm going to think about it for a few more years as I gather up the money and see where the medical advances go, but yeah. I'm going to be getting it done, because seriously- I do not feel like a girl, the more and more I go on with my life. I'm feeling... so damn confident with myself, and so proud of myself. Just... I don't even know how to explain it. I know who I am, and I just don't give a fuck what other people think about it anymore. I am who I am, and nobody is going to change that. You know? I'm this crazy, happy-go-lucky, eccentric, "cutesy" fanboy. That's all there is too it.
I talked to my mom and brother about the whole transgender thing. My mom wasn't for it at first, but then I found out the reason why today. It's because there isn't the kind of medical advancements necessary to have a complete, 100% change. And she feels that if I wanted to get a sex change, she wants me to be happy as someone who is completely, 100% male. Fully functioning organ, no need to rely on testosterone, etc. She is all for me removing my breasts, and the testosterone therapy might take a little more convincing, but she is all for it. She just wants me to be happy, and whatnot. It's... kinda explain how she put it, in my own words, but yeah. I completely understand what she means and what she wants for me.
Still into Hetalia. Yup yup. Having a lot of fun with that, too. Dear gods, I cannot wait for the new season *A* Buying it, I mean. I haven't been able to yet- OTL asjgdfjg I must buy it as soon as possible. I need it-!
I've been cosplaying as Hetalia a lot recently! Like wow... Haha-! I have never cosplayed this much before in my entire life! But almost every single week, I go out to Farmers with some friends and just... spend the day cosplaying, and wow. I just... Haha-! I don't know how to explain it! I am so damn happy. We're kinda a bit of a crazy bunch, with all the running around we do - literally - but we all get along very well. Our group is slowly gaining more and more members, and I really, truly feel like I belong. I don't feel childish or too excitable when I'm with them. I feel like they actually like me, and like I'm... a part of their group. Y'know? I... haven't smiled or laughed like this in so long... Heh... It's kinda amazing.
But something I realized with these guys is... they're all a lot like me. They just... like to let loose and be themselves. And just have fun with their cosplays. We feel confident and happy when we're together, even when we had expectations pressed on us at some time or another. Prussia and I were talking about it last night, on the way home. (She was driving me.) It's just... amazing... These guys, they really helped me out. I'm not as shy and timid and quiet as I used to be. Though I know that discovering who I am has helped me a great deal as well.
Dear gods... Haha-! It's just... wow... I have such a hard time making friends, and a hard time with feeling like I belong somewhere. I constantly worry and whatnot... But when I'm with that group... I'm never left out. I'm not the center of attention, but I am most certainly not left out - and nobody babies me, either. They all understand that I can, in fact, take care of myself, and that the whole "cutesy" thing is a part of the act as Italy and even if it's not, they know it's not a sign of weakness, it's just me being happy. They listen to a lot of my ideas, and if our group get separated, all I have to do is hold up my white flag and we find each other again! No. Seriously. I hold up a white flag and everyone migrates to me. It's awesome c': I AM THE RING LEADER~!
But... Moving on from that haha-
I am going to a convention! 8D I'm going to one down in Phoenix~! I have a place set up, and the convention tickets are bought! My friend is helping me out with the money for a cab, food, and other things, so I'm so very, very grateful for that. (Like seriously. Amazing friend right there, I love her so much ;u; ) I'll be cosplaying as Chibitalia (getting the materials for that this weekend), Italy, Hiccup (with Sean as Stoic), and HOPEFULLY Romano! If I can buy the wig... But~! I got the accents for the Italy brothers down, and the Chibitalia voice, so I'll be able to do those just fine while in cosplay x3
Oh oh and guess who is gonna be at Saboten Con~! The voice actors for Italy and Romano! 8D I hope that I will be able to get their signatures, because dear gods, that would be so amazing- I am so excited for this convention, you don't even know- Augh-! I am just, really, really hoping I find a Germany. My Italy is not complete without a Germany!! (Though my Italy blog on tumblr still lacks a Germany... Phooey) And if I do... I shall get lots of pictures with them <3 Yes I shall
My brother graduated high school. We'll be attending the same college now c: He'll be pursuing a degree in video game design, though, while I pursue English (Creative Writing) and foreign language (Italian so far). But he won't be going to classes for a while. But when he does, we'll at least be at the same campus. Can you believe he's 18 now-? Gods, where has the time gone-? Aaah~ I'm turning 21 here pretty soon, too-! (I'm going wine tasting for my birthday <3 So happy)
I just... Wow. I am so tired and I need to wake up early tomorrow for the trip to LA, but I just... I can't help but to be so happy right now. I almost cried last night because I was so happy - while in the car with Prussia. I couldn't stop smiling and laughing and just... running around and talking to everyone. And I just... Heh. I know I keep going on about it, but wow... I... have such... huge self-esteem issues. When it comes to my personality, who I am, and my beliefs... I've had them beaten down so many times, by so many different people... that it just... I dunno... It kinda broke me a bit. I was so... afraid of having people I can call friends. Of opening myself up to... well, anyone. Terrified. I always wondered what they would think of me. What they would say. If they would roll their eyes and go "oh, not him again" and sneer at me. I try my damned hardest to be nice to everyone I meet... Though, it's kinda in my nature, haha- And that's... been taken advantage of so many times...
And to finally let go of all that... Finally just... be myself, completely and fully, and be proud of myself for doing it? Be proud of myself for being so happy? And to have people accept me for who I am, completely and fully? And compliment me on it and say they like that about me? It... feels pretty nice.
I am... happy. Truly happy.
I know who I am.
And I am never going to let anyone change me.
I still have a long way to go... I'm still so afraid to call anyone around here my friend. But actually feeling like I belong somewhere... That's... such a huge step for me... And I can't help but to be happy about it.